I relapsed.





2 days till my birthday and not one of my friends has even shown knowledge of it.

They’ve said happy birthday to quite a lot of acquaintances who have their birthdays later this month.

I guess I’m just that forgettable





Yesterday I walked home with K.

I never really talked to him but recently we had a group project and we got a bit more acquainted.

The first time I really took notice of him was when he gave me his umbrella on a rainy day because we walk the same way to school.

He’s always really nervous when talking to me though, maybe it’s because I’m a girl??

I don’t know, he’s a really nice dude though.




School started up again, currently on the second day.

I’m not gonna lie its actually really nice to see my friends again, despite being extremely tired every day.

Not much has happened so far, as you can guess, but I’m sure the drama will start up again soon.

Also, I have great news! Last year all the students who had a chance to get into an advanced maths course were given a note to hand in if we were interested and… I got in!

I’m kinda nervous that I won’t be able to handle it but so far it seems like everyone else is on my level too so hopefully my good grades actually mean something!

That’s all for now, have a good day you all!


28.01.18 – Trigger Warning SH


I hate my brain.

It randomly force fed memories of me watching videos of people cutting themselves to trigger myself.

I really want to cut now.


I’m 2 months clean please don’t do this.

I’ve been working so damn hard to fight the urge





I don’t want to go back

I don’t want to see my blood bubble up from my flesh

I don’t want to see it drip down my arms and legs on to the floor

I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t




I just realized something, and I’m sure I was fairly aware of this before but I had never really come to terms with it.

When people get handed a reward for doing something nice for someone, they become happy.

When I get handed a reward for doing something nice for someone, I turn into the most self-hating piece of shit there is. Not to say I turn into a piece of shit, that’s constant, but I suddenly hate myself 10x more. This both confuses me and strangely makes sense.

Sure, I can see why I should be happy; I went out of my way to do something nice for someone, I deserve a reward right? Be it a small sweet or even just a “thank you”.

But that simply doesn’t click with me. Why should I be happy? I just made this person waste their time on me. I tricked them into thinking I was a good person. I made them like me when in reality I’m a worthless piece of shit. Surely they would realize this and scream at a freak like me to get away from them, but they don’t. They thank me and sometimes even waste a precious belonging of theirs by giving it to me.

I know that’s not the way my brain should react.

A dog deserves a treat when it does a good job, and therefore it reacts accordingly when it gets one.

But I simply can’t think like that, and the fact that I can’t even act like a normal being adds to the self-hate.

It’s horrible, sure, even I know that, but feeling horrible makes me satisfied. Like seeing a murderer get put in jail, I’m getting what I deserve.

Anyway, that enough of me rambling, I wish you a good day wherever in the world you might be!




Nothin much has been going on lately but something important happened just now and I think it might mean I’m improving?

I saw a post with a trigger warning for suicidal thoughts/ideation and instead of ignoring it and reading the post I said “no, I’m not doing this to myself” and scrolled past.

And I know that’s pIetty small but it’s the first time I’ve ever actually restrained from triggering myself intentionally.

It probably seems stupid but I’m proud of myself for something for the first time in about a year and I just wanted to share it, so if you got this far on this post, thanks.